Three little words to lead without
"Change just a few simple language patterns and transform your leadership approach and your relationships"
The words we use either encourage us to be creative and optimistic or they shut us down, give us a smaller view of possibilities, and weaken us. The words we use define our personal reality to ourselves as well as to others, and they have a very real effect on what we allow ourselves to think. The words we use are the way we tell ourselves what we deserve from life.
1. BUT: Have this ever been said to you? "This is a good idea, but --" Get it? When I said "This is a good idea" you were probably sorting for some time when you got complimented on an idea. Then I said "but --" and you had to cringe a little. Some additional examples: “I like you, but…”, “I hear what you are saying, but….” You’ve done a great job, but….”
We've all been taught that no matter what someone says, if they add a "but --" we know to brace ourselves, here comes the little twist that takes away most of the meaning from the beginning of the sentence. And what's even more interesting, people do it to themselves! Just listen the next time a discussion comes up about what someone wants, for example: "I'd like to lose weight, but --", "I'd like a promotion, but --",
What follows "but" is almost always either something that wipes out a compliment, or an excuse for why people can't get what they want. So here's a little tip for you, what happens to these sentences if we substitute "AND" for "but"?. "This is a good idea, and --" Sounds like the idea may even be used, doesn't it?, "I'd like to lose weight, and --" And here's how I'm going to do it!, "I'd like a promotion, and --" this is how I'm going to get it.
"But" limits possibilities, and tells you what's wrong and WHY you can't do something. "And" includes more choices, and leads to thoughts of HOW you will do something. They are the language of two different worlds, two different ways of life. Which world's language do you prefer?
Which leads us to the next "little word."
2. WHY: The problem with "why" is that it leads to "because." When you ask "why?" You are almost demanding a story that will explain "why" things are as they are. And you'll answer that question with a story of why things are that way, whether they are really like that or not! "Why did you do that?" Feeling defensive? Because it was their fault. It wasn’t me.
"Why are people such rude drivers?", "I just don't understand why you would want that --"
Because if I accept the assumption that "all people are rude drivers" I can complain and whine and be miserable instead of just dealing with the fact that some people don't handle traffic pressures very well. You want to know what's an even more useful word for most of us, most of the time?. The word is "HOW." As in, "How can I best deal with a rude driver, if I encounter one?"
Again, two different words from two different outlooks. "Why" invites you to accept whatever the stated reality is, and then demands that you make up a story that explains it. Probably a waste of time. "Why" turns your view to the past, looking for causes and people to blame. On the other hand, "How" is an action word. It looks to the future and it leads you in a direction of action. And actions are the stuff of life.
3. SHOULD: We all have a little parent's voice in our heads, treating us like we're still children. And this word is surely a parent's word, telling us what we "should" do.
"I should have done it differently", "You should do it like they do", "What should I do?" This time there is no suggestion for an alternative word. Just a caution.
"Should" and even worse, "should have" will make you miserable. They are the words of dissatisfaction and helplessness and regret and guilt. Try this. "I want" or "I will" or "I can" instead of "I should."
Even if you add the same ending, you get more power -- more ADULT power, from saying "I WANT to do it differently next time" or, "I will be on time" Instead of "I shouldn't be late." Or “I can…” This accesses the Power of Intention.
"Think about the words you use -- both to others and importantly, to yourself. Especially these three thought-stopping little words"
"Change just a few simple language patterns and transform your leadership approach and your relationships"
The words we use either encourage us to be creative and optimistic or they shut us down, give us a smaller view of possibilities, and weaken us. The words we use define our personal reality to ourselves as well as to others, and they have a very real effect on what we allow ourselves to think. The words we use are the way we tell ourselves what we deserve from life.
1. BUT: Have this ever been said to you? "This is a good idea, but --" Get it? When I said "This is a good idea" you were probably sorting for some time when you got complimented on an idea. Then I said "but --" and you had to cringe a little. Some additional examples: “I like you, but…”, “I hear what you are saying, but….” You’ve done a great job, but….”
We've all been taught that no matter what someone says, if they add a "but --" we know to brace ourselves, here comes the little twist that takes away most of the meaning from the beginning of the sentence. And what's even more interesting, people do it to themselves! Just listen the next time a discussion comes up about what someone wants, for example: "I'd like to lose weight, but --", "I'd like a promotion, but --",
What follows "but" is almost always either something that wipes out a compliment, or an excuse for why people can't get what they want. So here's a little tip for you, what happens to these sentences if we substitute "AND" for "but"?. "This is a good idea, and --" Sounds like the idea may even be used, doesn't it?, "I'd like to lose weight, and --" And here's how I'm going to do it!, "I'd like a promotion, and --" this is how I'm going to get it.
"But" limits possibilities, and tells you what's wrong and WHY you can't do something. "And" includes more choices, and leads to thoughts of HOW you will do something. They are the language of two different worlds, two different ways of life. Which world's language do you prefer?
Which leads us to the next "little word."
2. WHY: The problem with "why" is that it leads to "because." When you ask "why?" You are almost demanding a story that will explain "why" things are as they are. And you'll answer that question with a story of why things are that way, whether they are really like that or not! "Why did you do that?" Feeling defensive? Because it was their fault. It wasn’t me.
"Why are people such rude drivers?", "I just don't understand why you would want that --"
Because if I accept the assumption that "all people are rude drivers" I can complain and whine and be miserable instead of just dealing with the fact that some people don't handle traffic pressures very well. You want to know what's an even more useful word for most of us, most of the time?. The word is "HOW." As in, "How can I best deal with a rude driver, if I encounter one?"
Again, two different words from two different outlooks. "Why" invites you to accept whatever the stated reality is, and then demands that you make up a story that explains it. Probably a waste of time. "Why" turns your view to the past, looking for causes and people to blame. On the other hand, "How" is an action word. It looks to the future and it leads you in a direction of action. And actions are the stuff of life.
3. SHOULD: We all have a little parent's voice in our heads, treating us like we're still children. And this word is surely a parent's word, telling us what we "should" do.
"I should have done it differently", "You should do it like they do", "What should I do?" This time there is no suggestion for an alternative word. Just a caution.
"Should" and even worse, "should have" will make you miserable. They are the words of dissatisfaction and helplessness and regret and guilt. Try this. "I want" or "I will" or "I can" instead of "I should."
Even if you add the same ending, you get more power -- more ADULT power, from saying "I WANT to do it differently next time" or, "I will be on time" Instead of "I shouldn't be late." Or “I can…” This accesses the Power of Intention.
"Think about the words you use -- both to others and importantly, to yourself. Especially these three thought-stopping little words"
Comments