Office Jokes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Balakrishnan Kuppuswamy :-)
During work, Raman and Narayan were chatting:
Raman: Narain, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.
Narayan: oh!
Raman: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
Narayan: No
Raman: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night Courses you would know this.
The next day, the same discussion took place:
Raman: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
Narayan: No
Raman: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.
The next day, once again:
Raman: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?
Narayan: No
Raman: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.
This time, Narayan got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is Balakrishnan Kuppuswamy?
Raman: No
Narayan: He's the guy roaming with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know.
" Rule: There is 'some thing' important in life than Work and General Knowledge. "
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Sardar Jokes
Banta Singh was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defence. "They should not put up such misleading notices,"said Banta Singh." It said , "FINE FOR PARKING HERE."
A haryanavi peasant came to the office of The Hindustan Times to place an advertisement announcing his father's death. "The rate is Rs. 360 per single col. cm," the clerk told him. "Main to lut jaoonga - I 'll be ruined," exclaimed the haryanavi. "My father was 182 cms tall."
Two Sardarjis were in conversation on the beach :
Sardarji 1 :Praaji , Ise 'beach' kyo kaheete hai ?
Sardarji 2 : Tumhe nahe pata ?
Sardarji 1 : Nahe pata.
Sardarji 2 : Woh to Aasmaan aur Zameen ke beech mein hai esliye eesai beach kahete hai .
Rajsi complained to his friend about his wife ' My wife never agrees with anything I say. And we have been married for six years .' Mrs Rajsi intervened, ' Not six we have been married for seven years !
A Sardarji, very proud of his humour used to say to his wife leaving for the office : 'Good bye Char Bacchon ki Maa' . One day his wife fed up of this answered : ' Bye Bye, Doo Bacchon Ke Baap'. That ended the husband's witticisms.
The collector asked Banta Singh for his rail ticket. Banta Singh searched his pockets but could not find it. 'Never mind,' reassured the collector, ' I will take your word that you bought your ticket.' 'That is very kind of you,' replied Banta Singh,'but if I don't find it, I want to know where to get off.'
Santa Singh : 'Look Banta, what type of glasses they have made. The top is closed. How can you fill lassi in it ?'
Banta Singh : 'Yes, that's funny. And even if you make a hole at the top, how will the lassi stay in the glass when the bottom is open?'
Sardarji ( to doctor ) : Doctor, I have a problem.
Doctor : What's your problem?
Sardarji : I keep forgetting things.
Doctor : Since when do you have this problem?
Sardarji : What problem?
The Chutney Joke
Banta: Kee Gal hai Sante. Kalle Kalle samosey kha reyan
Santa : Nahin yaarr, Chutney De Naal.
Sweet Revenge
Santa Singh told his wife that after his death she should marry Banta Singh. "But why should I marry Banta who is your enemy no 1" enquired his wife. Santa quipped, "Oh Darling, this is the only way I can take my revenge from that useless fellow. Ha! Ha! Ha!!
One fine day a girl proposed to a sardar & sardar denied simply saying thatin our family,we marry only our relatives.. my Mom married my Dad, myBrother married my Bhabhi, my Uncle married my Aunt & so on .. So please excuse me !!!!!
"Help.... the Titanic is going to be drowned...." Everybody in the ship isshouting, crying, running or praying to God... Just then a Italian asks thenearby Sardarji in the ship.Italian : How far is land, from here ?Sardarji : Two miles .Italian : Only two miles, Then why are these fools making noise. I have gotthe experience of swimming even more.The Italian jumps off the ship into the sea and comes up to the layer toask something again.Italian : Just tell me which side, is land two miles from here ?Sardarji : Downwards... !!
Two Sardars went into a pub and after ordering two beers took somesandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them."You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the pub-owner.So the two sardars exchanged their sandwiches.
A sardar is in a bar and his cellular phone rings, so he picks it up and says," Hello, how did you know I was here?"
Why are sardar secret agents the best in the world?Because even under torture they can't remember what they have been assigned to.
A Sardar went to interview for a job in military...when he got to theOfficer, Officer told him that new rules were in effect to check theeducation of candidates.In order to get job 1must answer two questions:1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".2. How many seconds are there in a year?The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered...1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.2. There are 24 seconds in a year.Officer said, "OK, Its okay the Today and Tomorrow", so your answer iscorrect."But how did you get only 24 seconds in a year?"The Sardar replied, "Well, January 2nd & 22nd, February 2nd & 22nd, March2nd & 22nd, so on...."
Did you hear about the sardar who asked his friends to give him all theirburnt out light bulbs?He just bought a camera and wanted to set up a Darkroom.
Banta Singh was painting his living room one hot day. His friend SantaSingh asked him, "Why, are you wearing two jackets?"."Because," said Banta Singh, "The directions on the can said to put on two coats."
A sardar was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of ahighway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles;the following day less than a mile. then the foreman asked the sardar whyhe kept painting less each day, he replied"I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."
Why does a Sardar keep empty beer bottles in his fridge?They're there for those who don't drink.
Sardar was tired of being sardar and constantly being the subject of allthose dumb sardar jokes. He finally cut his hair. Elated he decided to takea drive through the country to celebrate his new life. Going past a fieldof sheep (he loved sheep) he stopped and asked the farmer"If I can guess how many sheep in your flock, can I have one?"The farmer laughed and said "Sure, Sir."He gazed out for a few seconds and said "There's 1,973 sheep."The farmer said with amazement "Your're right! Go and pick one out."On his way back to his car he was stopped by the farmer yelling"Hey Sir! If I can guess your real identity can I have my dog back?"
A sardar, a japanese, and a britisher were shipwrecked on a desertedisland. One day they came upon an old lamp buried in the sand. As theybrushed the sand from the lamp a Genie appeared and said"I'll give each of you one wish."The japanese said "I wish I was home!"PUFF..and he was gone!The britisher said "I wish I was home!"PUFF..and he too was gone.The sardar said "Boy is it lonely here! I wish my friends were back!"
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Mallu jokes !!!!
1) What is the tax on a Mallu's income called? IngumDax
2) Where did the Malayali study? In the ko-liage.
3) Why did the Malayali not go to ko-liage today?He is very bissi.
4) Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?To go to Thuubai, zimbly to meet his ungle in Gelff.
5) Why do Malayalis go to the Gelff? To yearn meney.
6) What did the Malayali do when the plane caughtfire?He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.
7) How does a Malayali spell moon? MOON - Yem Woh yet another Woh and Yen
8) What is Malayali management graduate called?Yem Bee Yae.
9) What does a Malayali do when he goes to America? He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.
10) What does a Malayali use to commute to office everyday? An Oto
11) Where does he pray? In a Temble, Charch and a Maask
12) Who is Bruce Lee's best friend ? A Malaya-Lee of coarse.
13) Name the only part of the werld, where Malayalis dont werk hard? Kerala.
14) Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala? Because 86% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and re-tying the lungi
15) Why did Saddam Hussain attackKuwait? He had a Mallu baby-sitter, who always used to say 'KEEP QUWAIT' 'KEEP QUWAIT'
16) What is the Latest Malayali Punch Line? " Frem Tea Shops To Koll Cenders , We Are Yevery Where "
17) Why aren't Mals included in hockey and football teams ? Coz Whenever they get a corner , they set up a tea shop.
18) Now pass it on to 5 Mals to get a free sample of kokanet oil.
19) Pass it on 10 Mals to get a free pack of Benana Chibbs.
20) Pass it on to 15 Mals to get a set of BROGUN bones....
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For all the employweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees out there!!!!!!!
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her smiled and told... "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee.."
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A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine!!!"
He lost 63 pounds that week.
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like "chalk" or "pencil," she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral.
Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into 2 groups (male and female) and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The Men decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else,
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The Women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you waited a little bit longer, you could have had a better model.
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A 70 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.
"Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Balakrishnan Kuppuswamy :-)
During work, Raman and Narayan were chatting:
Raman: Narain, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.
Narayan: oh!
Raman: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
Narayan: No
Raman: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night Courses you would know this.
The next day, the same discussion took place:
Raman: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
Narayan: No
Raman: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.
The next day, once again:
Raman: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?
Narayan: No
Raman: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.
This time, Narayan got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is Balakrishnan Kuppuswamy?
Raman: No
Narayan: He's the guy roaming with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know.
" Rule: There is 'some thing' important in life than Work and General Knowledge. "
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sardar Jokes
Banta Singh was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defence. "They should not put up such misleading notices,"said Banta Singh." It said , "FINE FOR PARKING HERE."
A haryanavi peasant came to the office of The Hindustan Times to place an advertisement announcing his father's death. "The rate is Rs. 360 per single col. cm," the clerk told him. "Main to lut jaoonga - I 'll be ruined," exclaimed the haryanavi. "My father was 182 cms tall."
Two Sardarjis were in conversation on the beach :
Sardarji 1 :Praaji , Ise 'beach' kyo kaheete hai ?
Sardarji 2 : Tumhe nahe pata ?
Sardarji 1 : Nahe pata.
Sardarji 2 : Woh to Aasmaan aur Zameen ke beech mein hai esliye eesai beach kahete hai .
Rajsi complained to his friend about his wife ' My wife never agrees with anything I say. And we have been married for six years .' Mrs Rajsi intervened, ' Not six we have been married for seven years !
A Sardarji, very proud of his humour used to say to his wife leaving for the office : 'Good bye Char Bacchon ki Maa' . One day his wife fed up of this answered : ' Bye Bye, Doo Bacchon Ke Baap'. That ended the husband's witticisms.
The collector asked Banta Singh for his rail ticket. Banta Singh searched his pockets but could not find it. 'Never mind,' reassured the collector, ' I will take your word that you bought your ticket.' 'That is very kind of you,' replied Banta Singh,'but if I don't find it, I want to know where to get off.'
Santa Singh : 'Look Banta, what type of glasses they have made. The top is closed. How can you fill lassi in it ?'
Banta Singh : 'Yes, that's funny. And even if you make a hole at the top, how will the lassi stay in the glass when the bottom is open?'
Sardarji ( to doctor ) : Doctor, I have a problem.
Doctor : What's your problem?
Sardarji : I keep forgetting things.
Doctor : Since when do you have this problem?
Sardarji : What problem?
The Chutney Joke
Banta: Kee Gal hai Sante. Kalle Kalle samosey kha reyan
Santa : Nahin yaarr, Chutney De Naal.
Sweet Revenge
Santa Singh told his wife that after his death she should marry Banta Singh. "But why should I marry Banta who is your enemy no 1" enquired his wife. Santa quipped, "Oh Darling, this is the only way I can take my revenge from that useless fellow. Ha! Ha! Ha!!
One fine day a girl proposed to a sardar & sardar denied simply saying thatin our family,we marry only our relatives.. my Mom married my Dad, myBrother married my Bhabhi, my Uncle married my Aunt & so on .. So please excuse me !!!!!
"Help.... the Titanic is going to be drowned...." Everybody in the ship isshouting, crying, running or praying to God... Just then a Italian asks thenearby Sardarji in the ship.Italian : How far is land, from here ?Sardarji : Two miles .Italian : Only two miles, Then why are these fools making noise. I have gotthe experience of swimming even more.The Italian jumps off the ship into the sea and comes up to the layer toask something again.Italian : Just tell me which side, is land two miles from here ?Sardarji : Downwards... !!
Two Sardars went into a pub and after ordering two beers took somesandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them."You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the pub-owner.So the two sardars exchanged their sandwiches.
A sardar is in a bar and his cellular phone rings, so he picks it up and says," Hello, how did you know I was here?"
Why are sardar secret agents the best in the world?Because even under torture they can't remember what they have been assigned to.
A Sardar went to interview for a job in military...when he got to theOfficer, Officer told him that new rules were in effect to check theeducation of candidates.In order to get job 1must answer two questions:1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".2. How many seconds are there in a year?The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered...1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.2. There are 24 seconds in a year.Officer said, "OK, Its okay the Today and Tomorrow", so your answer iscorrect."But how did you get only 24 seconds in a year?"The Sardar replied, "Well, January 2nd & 22nd, February 2nd & 22nd, March2nd & 22nd, so on...."
Did you hear about the sardar who asked his friends to give him all theirburnt out light bulbs?He just bought a camera and wanted to set up a Darkroom.
Banta Singh was painting his living room one hot day. His friend SantaSingh asked him, "Why, are you wearing two jackets?"."Because," said Banta Singh, "The directions on the can said to put on two coats."
A sardar was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of ahighway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles;the following day less than a mile. then the foreman asked the sardar whyhe kept painting less each day, he replied"I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."
Why does a Sardar keep empty beer bottles in his fridge?They're there for those who don't drink.
Sardar was tired of being sardar and constantly being the subject of allthose dumb sardar jokes. He finally cut his hair. Elated he decided to takea drive through the country to celebrate his new life. Going past a fieldof sheep (he loved sheep) he stopped and asked the farmer"If I can guess how many sheep in your flock, can I have one?"The farmer laughed and said "Sure, Sir."He gazed out for a few seconds and said "There's 1,973 sheep."The farmer said with amazement "Your're right! Go and pick one out."On his way back to his car he was stopped by the farmer yelling"Hey Sir! If I can guess your real identity can I have my dog back?"
A sardar, a japanese, and a britisher were shipwrecked on a desertedisland. One day they came upon an old lamp buried in the sand. As theybrushed the sand from the lamp a Genie appeared and said"I'll give each of you one wish."The japanese said "I wish I was home!"PUFF..and he was gone!The britisher said "I wish I was home!"PUFF..and he too was gone.The sardar said "Boy is it lonely here! I wish my friends were back!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mallu jokes !!!!
1) What is the tax on a Mallu's income called? IngumDax
2) Where did the Malayali study? In the ko-liage.
3) Why did the Malayali not go to ko-liage today?He is very bissi.
4) Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?To go to Thuubai, zimbly to meet his ungle in Gelff.
5) Why do Malayalis go to the Gelff? To yearn meney.
6) What did the Malayali do when the plane caughtfire?He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.
7) How does a Malayali spell moon? MOON - Yem Woh yet another Woh and Yen
8) What is Malayali management graduate called?Yem Bee Yae.
9) What does a Malayali do when he goes to America? He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.
10) What does a Malayali use to commute to office everyday? An Oto
11) Where does he pray? In a Temble, Charch and a Maask
12) Who is Bruce Lee's best friend ? A Malaya-Lee of coarse.
13) Name the only part of the werld, where Malayalis dont werk hard? Kerala.
14) Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala? Because 86% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and re-tying the lungi
15) Why did Saddam Hussain attackKuwait? He had a Mallu baby-sitter, who always used to say 'KEEP QUWAIT' 'KEEP QUWAIT'
16) What is the Latest Malayali Punch Line? " Frem Tea Shops To Koll Cenders , We Are Yevery Where "
17) Why aren't Mals included in hockey and football teams ? Coz Whenever they get a corner , they set up a tea shop.
18) Now pass it on to 5 Mals to get a free sample of kokanet oil.
19) Pass it on 10 Mals to get a free pack of Benana Chibbs.
20) Pass it on to 15 Mals to get a set of BROGUN bones....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For all the employweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees out there!!!!!!!
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her smiled and told... "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee.."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine!!!"
He lost 63 pounds that week.
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like "chalk" or "pencil," she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral.
Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into 2 groups (male and female) and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The Men decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else,
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The Women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you waited a little bit longer, you could have had a better model.
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A 70 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.
"Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
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